Why I love "Love and Logic"

I get a weekly email from their website and today's was really great. This thing with Ella hasn't really bothered me as much as I would have thought it would, and I'm thinking this is why...

What's Our Job?

When asked, "What's our job as a great parent or great teacher?" most people say something like, "To raise or help create really respectful and responsible kids." Our good friend and co-founder of Love and Logic, Foster W. Cline, M.D., disagrees. Dr. Cline argues:

It's not our job to raise responsible kids. Our job is to consistently do the things that give kids an opportunity to become responsible.

When we spend all of our time and energy trying to make our kids respectful and responsible, we open ourselves up to major power-struggles. It's as if we send an unstated message such as, "All of my self-worth and happiness is tied up in how well you behave." This is far too much power for any child to have. Too often, strong-willed children use this power to punish their parents.

In contrast, when we focus on doing the right things and giving our kids a great opportunity, we place appropriate responsibility on them and they have no battle to fight. The unstated message is much different: "While I want very much for you to have a happy and responsible life, I can't make that happen for you. You are the one who has to do most of the work."

Take care of yourself by remembering that the only thing you really have complete control over is yourself.


I've been trying not to take the actions of my children personally. If this had happened before I would have been beating myself up over the fact that MY CHILD did that. How on earth could she have ever done something like that. I must be the worst parent in the world if, etc., etc. I love the view that it is good when a child makes a mistake because I then have the opportunity to set the stage for learning and not criticizing, or yelling, or telling her what a bad girl she is. Instead I get to empathize and let her know that I'm really sad for her that she made those choices, but that I love her no matter what. It has made a huge difference in our family when the consequence comes after the empathy and love.

By the way, her teacher just kind of blew the whole thing off like it was no big deal. I thought that was nice of her, but I'm still quite sure that my Ella was not as innocent as her teacher was thinking she was. One of her consequences was that yesterday Dallin got to go and play at a friends house (they had both been invited to go and play and had been anticipating it since Monday) and she had to stay with me to take Brody to the doctor. She was really sad (lots of crying) but I told her that I'd love to do things for her when I felt like I could trust her again, and that is going to take time...