Memories

I got a call from my sister Alescia two Sundays ago saying that my dad wasn't doing very well. When I actually spoke with her on Monday things had gotten a little worse and while I was on the phone with her my dad's hospice nurse called and said his color wasn't looking good. My mom happened to be at my sister's house in Indy and she said she could come down to watch the kids so I could go to Cincinnati. Michael decided to come with me and was able to give my dad a blessing. We came home that night and I went back on Tuesday. I ended up staying until Thursday. I was so grateful for all of my new friends offering to watch the kids and for Michael who played Mr. mom and worked for three days.

It was hard to see my dad wasting away to nothing. He only weighed about 130 lbs. because he wasn't able to eat very much. He really did not look like himself at all. He only woke up and stirred a few times the whole time I was there. We, my sisters and I, decided to stay at the assisted living facility on Wednesday night. Around 2:00am he started to show signs of apnea, periods of time without taking a breath. The periods of time just got longer and longer until he didn't take another breath. I was so grateful to be there and to hold his hand instead of having to get a phone call in the middle of the night. The hospice nurse said that in a lot of cases they have a hard time keeping their patient comfortable and they struggle and make noises, but my dad just looked like he went to sleep. I was so grateful he didn't have to suffer in that way.

We drove down to Arkansas on Sunday and we had the viewing on Monday night and the funeral on Tuesday afternoon. Arkansas holds many wonderful memories for me. My kids were able to experience a little of that this week. They got to play with cousins in big muddy puddles and with lots of farm animals. My uncle took them on four-wheeler rides through the muddy fields and they were able to feed goats and chickens. It really was wonderful to visit with my family and reminisce about the days spent together at my mamaw's house. The service itself was beautiful. My dad served in the Air Force during the Vietnam War in Waco, TX. At the gravesite, they had a 21 gun salute and presented my grandmother with a flag. I'm not sure anyone made it through that with a dry eye. One of the hardest parts was watching my sweet mamaw go through this. He was an amazing son to her and they spent lots of time together when he lived there.

I haven't really been able to discern how I'm feeling. I'm happy that he no longer has to suffer with the disease that took away his mind, but it's hard for me to fathom a world without my dad in it. Even though we had our differences I always found so much comfort and safety in his presence. He always made me feel like everything was going to be okay. I could always count on him to play with my kids for hours on end or fix anything in my house or yard. He was an amazing example to me of hard work and generosity. I told Michael that I hope Ella looks at him like I looked at my dad growing up. I felt like I was his pride and joy and my daddy was my biggest hero. I guess in most ways he still is.